Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start to date any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, frequently causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone who provides a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. If and when the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.